Step 2 of 2 — your plan
Supporting someone else
Helping someone in a narcissistic relationship
You've noticed something is wrong for someone you love. The most helpful thing you can offer is not advice — it's a steady, non-judgmental presence that stays available for the long haul.
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What do you need right now?
Pick what fits — we'll jump you to the part of the plan that helps.
Understand what you're up against
From the outside it can look obvious. From the inside, they’re dealing with a trauma bond, financial ties, children, fear of escalation, love that’s real to them, and a rewritten sense of reality. Leaving is often the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship — and it usually takes several attempts.
Tip — “Why don’t you just leave?” is one of the most shaming things a survivor hears. Ask “How are you?” instead.
Reading about narcissistic abuse — gaslighting, DARVO, hoovering — helps you recognize what they’re describing without needing them to name it. Keep the learning to yourself; don’t diagnose their partner out loud.
Skim the glossary for the vocabulary.
Say the right things
Validate their experience, not their conclusions. Try:
Try saying — “That sounds really hard. I’m glad you told me.”
Try saying — “I believe you. What you’re describing isn’t okay.”
Try saying — “Whatever you decide, I’m here — before, during, and after.”
Try saying — “Would it help to talk it through, or would you rather just have company?”
- “Why don’t you just leave?”
- “I never liked them anyway.” (harder to come back to you later)
- “They’re a narcissist / crazy / evil.”
- “If you loved yourself, you’d…”
- “This is exhausting to hear.”
Tip — Judgment — even well-meant — often pushes survivors back toward the abuser, who is telling them everyone else will judge them too.
Stay connected without pushing
Isolation is one of the strongest tools a narcissist uses. Regular, low-pressure contact is a lifeline — even when they can’t respond fully.
- Short, no-reply-needed messages: “Thinking of you.”
- Invitations without pressure: “Coffee whenever, no need to reply.”
- Send the meme, remember the birthday, do the small thing.
If they’re ready, help them practically — but only at their pace and with their consent:
- Offer to hold copies of important documents (ID, passport, spare keys, cash) somewhere safe outside the home.
- Share this site’s private incident log and leaving safety checklist.
- Agree a check-in signal — a code word or emoji that means “come get me.”
- If children are involved, encourage them to speak to a family lawyer before leaving.
Tip — Never confront the abuser on their behalf, and don’t share their disclosures with mutual friends or family without asking. Trust is what they need most from you.
Know when it's a crisis
If they mention being afraid for their safety, being followed or stalked, threats of harm to them or their children, or thoughts of harming themselves — this is a moment to gently point toward trained help.
- US: National Domestic Violence Hotline — 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
- US: 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988).
- UK: Refuge / National Domestic Abuse Helpline — 0808 2000 247.
- Full list on the resources page.
Tip — Advocates help with non-physical abuse too, and can build a personalized safety plan with them over the phone.
Look after yourself
Supporting someone in abuse is heavy work. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and burning out helps no one.
- Have your own person to debrief with (a therapist, a trusted friend).
- It’s okay to say, “I can’t talk about this tonight, but I love you and I’m here tomorrow.”
- Don’t make yourself their only support — encourage professional help alongside you.
- Notice when you’re turning into a rescuer. Steady beats heroic.
Try saying — “I love you and I’m in this with you for the long haul. I also need to protect a bit of energy so I can keep showing up.”
Support & resources
National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 / text START to 88788); 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline; Refuge UK 0808 2000 247; Psychology Today therapist finder (for you AND for them).